Dir: Antonio Margheriti (As Anthony M. Dawson)
Cast: Reb Brown, Corinne Clery, Luciano Pigozzi, Carole André, John Steiner, Marina Rocchi, Sergio Nicolai Ayshe Gul and the legendary Aytekin Akkaya.
Kalaa: Why is Yor different from other men?
In a world where dinosaurs rule and bit part Italian actors roam the woods in flea bitten loincloths comes the mighty warrior Yor (ex pro-footballer, Captain America and deputy sheriff Brown); oiled, toned and muscled yet with the running prowess of a small girl.
He looks good in furry pants tho'.
Somewhere in the bushes Kalaa and Pag (ex Bond babe Clery and the tramp like Pigozzi) are hunting a piglet with wooden horns stuck to its body but as they grab the poor embarrassed animal a giant Cardboardasaurus crashes thru' the trees.
Kalaa is frozen with fear and Pag can only scream and wobble his man breasts as the beast lurches towards them...
Luckily Yor comes bounding to the rescue, beating the dinosaur around the head with a big stone axe till it falls over.
Phew.
"Yor going home in a St. Johns ambulance!"
As a way of saying thank you they invite Yor back to their village for a big party and, not having anything planned he accepts.
Enjoying an evening of mead and bacon (and with the chance of a shag from Kalaa who appears to be the only non-bearded woman there) Yor is understandably upset when a gang of face painted ape men gatecrash the party and set fire to the village hall before tossing Yor off a nearby cliff and kidnapping Kalaa.
The Pussycat Dolls tribute band
was a wee bit disappointing.
was a wee bit disappointing.
It seems that there are no ape women so every so often the scruffy ape men attack the friendly tribe looking for posh totty to use as 'lurve slaves'. Yor (who has climbed all the way back up the cliff) is adamant that if anyone is going to have their wicked way with Kalaa it's going to be him.
Yor heads off towards the ape lair with Pag in tow where, hiding in a tree they observe the scary (and somewhat arousing) sight of dozens of bikini clad ladies being oogled by the noisy band of cheeky (not to mention horny) monkeys.
"Laugh now!"
If that wasn't enough Ukraan, leader of the apes is rubbing his hairy palms together and licking his lips whilst advancing on a cornered Kalaa.
There's only one course of action open to our hero obviously so killing a nearby giant bat he uses the animals carcass to glide into the ape den and release Kalaa before smashing a nearby dike and flooding the camp.
Please note that he makes no attempt to rescue the other captives who obviously are either drowned or left to spend the rest of their lives having every one of their orifices violated by bananas.
What a guy.
Leaving the scene of carnage behind them Yor explains that he is trying to discover 'the secrets of his past' (and find out why all the other men look like lank haired bearded pikeys whilst he's tanned and blond) so must brave the dangerous desert to find the answers.
Kalaa decides to tag along (well, it's either that or sit on her own waiting for the dirty monkeys to turn up) and before long the stumble across a tribe sacrificing a nubile, pointy headed blonde on a bonfire.
Yor kills them all and rescues the lady who introduces herself as Roa (Gul), owner of a pound shop pendant not dissimilar to Yor's (the main character, not yours obviously. Unless you actually own one when it may well do).
"Do the monkey with me!"
Kala, unhappy with another female joining the group decides to kill her love rival but her plan is interrupted when a rather wet Ukraan turns up looking for revenge.
A fight ensues (again) but Roa is struck down before Yor can save her.
Which is good news for Kalaa.
"Hallo I'm superfluous, come sleep in mah bed".
Our terrific trio tut and shrug shoulders before continuing their journey into the desert and before long come across some folk being attacked by what looks like a large chicken with an umbrella stuck to its back.
Not having been involved in a fight for around ten minutes Yor kills the beast and gets invited to another party where yet another bikini clad lady fawns over him and wiggles her ample hips.
Understandably Kalaa is really pissed off at the fact that every woman on the planet wants a piece of Yor's prime ass but before she can attempt to kill this one the tribal chief arrives with information about Yor's origins.
It seems that every so often blond 'gods' wearing big medallions come to visit the villagers in flying boxes from a mysterious island hidden by a spooky dark fog.
Yor is convinced that the island holds the key to his identity so he steals a fishing boat to continue his quest, leaving the friendly visitors to be wiped out by the aforementioned flying boxes.
"Thanks for the pearl necklace Yor!"
With Pag and Kalaa as his loyal crew, Yor quickly makes his way to the island only to lose control of the boat when a violent storm whips up from nowhere. Yor is tossed overboard and washed up on a beach where he is almost immediately zapped by a guy in a leather jumpsuit and a gas mask.
Kinky.
Don't fret tho', Kalaa and Pag are safe too. They've been cast ashore further up the beach where they're accosted by a small group of cave dwelling tramps.
"You'll just feel a tiny prick...."
Yor meanwhile has been grabbed by the Overlord (sounds painful) as is looking on in mild apathy as the movies plot is explained to him.
It turns out that the film is set on a future Earth devastated by nuclear war where the majority of survivors have regressed to little more than savages.
A small group of scientists however tried to hold back the oncoming violent times by using space age technology and appointing an absolute leader (the aforementioned Overlord - the plywood like Steiner) who (and with a name like that you can't be too surprised) built an army of gimp suited androids and kick out anyone who disagreed with him.
Yor's parents were among those yellow bellied cowards that ran away, preferring to take their chances with the papier mache dinosaurs on the mainland, which was a bad idea seeing as they were almost instantly eaten leaving our hero an orphan.
Before they died however they gave baby Yor a present, the big gold medallion he wears which in reality is a high tech recording device (what for I don't know, why they never left him a note of how to work it, ditto).
Laughing (looking and possibly smelling) like an off season seaside town crossdresser on crack, Overlord announces that he has plans for Yor.....
"Juliet Bravo!"
Kalaa and Pag meanwhile are swapping niceties with the resistance movement who have told then much the same story, but adding the (fairly important) bit about Overlord planning to kill everyone else on the planet within the next hour or so.
They decide to attack Overlord's complex.
Whilst all this is going on. Overlord and his foxy assistant Ena (André) have strapped Yor to a dinning table and started flashing really hot disco lights at him in an attempt to steal his DNA which, when mixed with Kalaa's will become the genetic building blocks for Overlords new android army.
Just as it appears that Yor can't possibly sweat any more the stinky tramps burst in and free our hero as a battle of epic proportions ensues.
"Are you looking at my bra?"
One particularly stinking tramp manages to reach Overlords control centre and de-active his leathery android hordes whilst Yor plants a bomb inside the bases nuclear reactor.
With only minutes to spare before detonation Yor stabs overlord with a huge barbers poll and hounds the heroic rebel band into a conveniently parked spaceship, escaping the island with seconds to spare as it explodes no doubt showering a still recovering planet and population in all manner of dangerous radiation.
As our merry band fly off to an uncertain future, spooky voice over guy tells us of how Yor will "use his new found knowledge of mankind's past to protect the future".
"Yor the one that I want".
Originally made as a three hour SciFi epic for Italian Teevee, Antonio (I got to say I directed Andy Warhol's Dracula and Frankenstein but only for tax purposes) Margheriti’s fantasy classic is better known to fans of the fantastic in it's truncated movie form.
Even losing almost two hours of it's original running time the films sheer awfulness shines thru'. From it's ludicrous premise by way of the abysmal acting via trite dialogue, a distinct lack of a workable script and overall general shoddiness it's still top quality entertainment.
Look at Maurizio and Guido De Angelis's score, re-used ad infinitum in such blockbusters as 2019: After the Fall of New York and Raiders of Atlantis, and Lightblast) and the clever use of costumes left over from that other Corinne Clery SciFi masterwork The Humanoid (tho' it's more likely that she came free with the suits) not forgetting the star turn by the ultimate macho man that is Mr. Reb Brown.
Brown: Tight, athletic buttocks.
From his early work alongside soon to be Starbuck Dirk Benedict in the 1973 shocker Ssssss to his appearances as Captain America in two ill advised 1979 Teevee movies you can always count on Brown's frankly terrifyingly muscled arse to take your attentions away from any mistakes on screen, he's ably (and amply) supported by Euro art/sleaze star Corinne Clery doing her best as the vacant eyed bubble permed heroine with the hots for Yor and Italian 'B' stalwart (and owner of the droopiest man breasts ever) Luciano Pigozzi (star of such top quality hits as Alien from the Deep and Double Target) brings a Wilfrid Bramble like quality (and smell probably) to his role as uncle Pag.
Funnier than Margheriti's Cannibal Apocalypse and with better special effects and a fluid style of its own that features nods to the 60's Batman series with it's high angle camera work, good old over choreographed 'slow fighting' and an endearing kind of thrift shop feel that makes it a pain free enjoyable 90 minutes of cheesy entertainment if nothing else. Yor may make absolutely no sense at all but at least it's not too painful to watch.
Especially if like me you enjoy tight buttocks.
After viewing this strange (yet somewhat disturbing) scene for a few minutes a man appeared from stage left wearing nothing but a clown mask and holding a kitchen knife. He proceeded to pinch the womans nipples and play with her hair for a few minutes before moving slowly toward her....then the screen cut to static.
I've always wondered if someone had accidentally recorded one of their home sex tapes at the end or if I'd stumbled across a scary snuff film, the killer desperate to recover the tape before his identity could be found.....
If you know (or are the person) that made this then feel free to get in touch.
Unless you are a mad mentalist murder obviously.
