love crazy.

More youthful shenanigans courtesy of my local charity shop.

Carry On Emmannuelle (1978).
Dir: Gerald Thomas.
Cast: Kenneth Williams, Suzanne Danielle, Kenneth Connor, Joan Sims, Howard Nelson, Dino Shafeek, Jack Douglas, Peter Butterworth, Larry Dann, Beryl Reid and Henry McGee.

High in the skies aboard (a children's toy) Concorde, Emmannuelle (Danielle, or missis diversity as I know her after appearing in everything from Flash Gordon, Doctor Who, Cannon and Ball's comedy classic The Boys in Blue and even, ulp, The Jim Davidson Show) is on her way home to London (England, that's in Europe near France for our American readers) to be reunited with her husband; the French Ambassador to the UK, Emile Prevert (Williams obviously suffering with severe depression - or piles).

Bored and frisky (no doubt brought on by the Funky Kenny Lynch disco tune playing over the titles) she inadvertently gives the co-pilot a hard on before dragging bespectacled wimp Theodore Valentine (The Bill's Sgt. Peters) of to the toilets for a quick shag.

Landing at Heathrow and, after some oh so amusing banter with an Indian customs man (the late, great Dino Shafeek from such comedy greats as It Ain't Half Hot Mum and Mind Your Language) she's driven to the Ambassadorial Residence by crusty old Leyland the Chauffeur (Carry On stalwart and contributor to the hit LP Parade of Disney Hits Connor) where she's greeted by the surviving members of the Carry On team that were too skint to turn the movie down; Lyons the Butler (Douglas), Mrs Dangle the Housekeeper (Sims, another Doctor Who guest) and Richmond (The Meddling Monk himself, Peter Butterworth).

Do you think we can get on with the plot now? Seeing as most of the cast look like they might keel over dead at any minute?

Kenneth Williams, up the casino, 1978.

Well, it seems that Emmannuelle and her hubbie haven't been able to have 'the sex' since he landed on a church spire whilst out parachuting, which begs the question what were they getting up to? Surely it wasn't solely a bit of rough anal?

Anyway, whilst we ponder that question Theodore has arrived back at the home he shares with his overbearing mother (Reid - how many ex Who actors are in this?).

Deciding that he's in love with Emmannuelle he vows to win her heart.

Bless.

Bored with sitting in a room of walking corpses, Emmannuelle gets Leyland to take her on a riotous comedy tour of famous London landmarks (via the magic of back screen projection) where she hilariously fails to arouse a guard at St James' Palace. Not because of his harsh millitary training tho' but because he's a gay!

Har de fucking har.

"You fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-in solder?"

Can the comedy get any better?

Well, funny you should ask that because later that evening at the Ambassador's reception an amusing misunderstanding occurs when Emmannuelle, after having a serious chat about a possible assassination attempt on her husband's life with the local Police Chief, decides to search everyone in attendance for concealed weapons.

By that I mean she starts touching the male guests genitalia under the tables.

Hilarity does indeed ensue.

She's awoken the next morning by a delivery of flowers from the lovestruck Theodore (and a really aching hand probably), whom she has completely forgotten.

Bitch.

Heading downstairs she decides to have breakfast with the servants whom she persuades to talk about their sexy secrets whilst scoffing crumpets and lukewarm tea.

Yup, it's a chance to see the by now decrepit Carry On team indulging is sexual shenanigans involving everything from second world war action (and nuns), a seedy bedsit (and a fat lady), a visit to the Zoo (with a randy monkey rapist - not as good as it sounds) and a laundrette.

On the big screen.

In colour.

You lucky people.

Emmannuelle, enjoying the thought of Joan Simms being fisted by a tramp (and who wouldn't?) shares the sad tale of her husbands ruptured arse with the staff to much merriment and forced laughter.

Jordan and Peter: the reunion.

Theodore in the meantime has decided to visit Emmannuelle at home to declare his love to her, but Emmannuelle, being a typical woman admits that he was just a shag and has no interest in seeing him again.

Theodore leaves in tears whilst our slutty heroine heads upstairs to watch her hubbie working out with teevee muscle man Harry Hernia (ex-champion bodybuilder turned skin flick actor Nelson).

Impressed by the size of his breasts, she decides to go and visit Harry at home for some more sex, but unknown to Emmannuelle, Theodore is now stalking her, camera in hand and Pot Noodle and tissues in pocket.

Could the movie suddenly turn into a British sex comedy version of Black Christmas?

Erm....no.

Tho' by this point I'd quite happily stab some fucker in the face.

Someone with a great set of
bristols and Suzanne Danielle.

Anyway, it's time for Emile and Emmannuelle to attend a premiere league football match where the Ambassador is due to present a cup to the winning team (you can tell I know about the football can't you?).

Surprisingly, Emmannuelle gets bored watching the match and decides to go the changing rooms to have sex with any footballers (or pets) present.

More comedy gold unfolds as each and every one of the teams pretends to be injured or starting fights in order to get sent off so that they too can get a wee bit of (leathery) ball action.

Theodore, hiding in a shower cubicle, is disgusted (yet possibly aroused who knows?) by what he sees so reckons that the best thing to do is to kidnap Emmannuelle.

Obviously this plan fails.

And without bloodshed unfortunately.

Theodore, at the end of his tether and running low on hankies, realizes there's only one course of action left to him so he sells the incriminating photo's to the Sunday papers.

"Oi Emmannuelle! your results
come back positive!"

In order to put an end to the gossip, Emmanuelle decides to appear on top teevee interviewer Harold Hump's (Benny Hill Show legend and star of Superman 2 McGee) show to defend her actions.

Outraged by he lack of shame, Hump gets more and more hot under the collar till Emmannuelle gives him a darn good gobble live on air.

Sitting at home in a state of shock, Theodore puts a gun to his head to blow his brains out.

But misses.

Meanwhile back at the Embassy, Emile has invite his doctor over to discuss his steeple/arse problems and his lack of shagging.

Luckily the doctor explains that the erectile dysfunction that he's suffering from is all in his mind, even going as far as to get his exotic nurse to strip down to her tiny undies and jiggle her ample breasts in Emile's face to prove it.

Standing tall and proud (meaning he has an erection) Emile rushes home and jumps on his missis, sticking it in her.

But thankfully off screen.

Spank that monkey.

Some other stuff happens but I don't want to give it all away or you'll have no reason to watch it will you?

After moving the usual saucy postcard humour of the original movies into a more lewd and upfront vein (ooeer missis) with the 1976 release Carry On England to something more akin to the Robin Askwith starring Confessions films, it was only a matter of time before the series ramped up the sexual content even further than Timmy Lea ever did.

The resulting car crash of a movie is at once painful yet strangely enjoyable to watch.

Learning from the mistaken of jettisoning most of the original Carry On team from England (which sounds like a sinister BNP plot) Emmannuelle brings back a few surviving members and tries to be radical by forcing them to swear and show their arses.

Which is a wee bit like watching someone abusing your Grannie.

Kenneth farted...and it was an eggy one.

Suzanne Danielle is an OK female lead but any attempts at humour are prematurely butchered by her appalling French accent, whereas everyone else invovled is obviously doing it for the cash.

Except for Howard Nelson that is who, from viewing his other work, just seems to enjoy flaunting his manbreasts and tiny trunks.

Oh and for a comedy there's a distinct lack of anything remotely funny in the script, save the fantastic sight of Concorde's nose standing up when Theodore and Emmannuelle are having sex in the plane's toilet.

But I love it anyway.

And so should you.