Sunday Scribblings - "My Style" - 10/19/08

My style, or lack of style, can be categorized as beach/golf casual. I do not wear long pants unless the temperature nears freezing, which it seldom does here. I wear nothing but golf shirts and avoid any function or occupation that requires more formal apparel. I usually wear the same five or six shirts until I purchase others (always on discount), then the old ones fall from favor and are retired to the closet, never to see the light of day again. I wear my shirttail out. I am too fat to tuck. I dress for comfort, not to seek other’s approval. By dressing casual, I am always ready for a surprise Cat Scan or MRI, which seem to come quite often as I get older. If you look closely (you don't actually need to look very closely) you will notice a stain on the chest of each of my shirts. Another signature element of my sense of style is that I cannot seem to eat anything with any liquid content without wearing some of it on my shirt. Soup, gravy, sauce, syrup, doesn't matter. It will find it's way onto my shirt. I wear it as a badge, as a Wal-mart greeter proudly wears his nametag. It identifies the shirt as mine. I should own stock in Spray-N-Wash.

I am a fanatic about cleanliness and personal hygiene, but I only shave whenever I start looking like Kris Kringle. I do not wear sandals, as my toes are too gnarly to reveal to the general public. Children have been known to run away screaming at the mere sight of my toenails. I wear sneakers, tennis shoes, trainers, gym shoes, walking shoes, running shoes (though I never run) or plimsolls depending upon where you live. I don’t wear $200 Nike Air, rather I opt for the Costco Court Classic at $13.99. I have several pairs that I rotate and discard a pair when some important part falls off. Since I have several identical pairs, losing one shoe does not affect the utility of it's mate. I wear only white socks, Champion is my favorite brand of sock. The shoe rule applies to a lost sock or one that has become a quitter. It's mate is still in the rotation.

I have a pair of grey slacks, black shoes and dark socks for emergency use: funerals, Ruth’s Chris, etc. I wore a military uniform for twenty years and a coat and tie for several failed careers since then. Now, I will spend the rest of my life as a style less cretin. If clothes do make the man: I am unmade. The "guys" on "Queer Eye" would have a collective aneurysm if they got a load of me. That was not innuendo.